Friday, January 13, 2012

I like to wear my Star Wars Jammies in Public! What's up with you?

Yeah it is true, I like to wear my Star Wars jammies in public,some of you have probably seen me. I am pretty sure I am on one of those web sites that features photos from Walmart surveillance  videos, of the white trash freaky people that frequent the superstores across the country.  Go ahead look it up.  I watched Mr. Poppers Penguins twice at work today!   It was just a tad more predictable with the second viewing than the first.  I haven't set my New Year's Resolutions yet this year.  You know  those people that say things like "This year I resolve not to make any New Year's Resolutions!"  They  go on to talk about how they don't want to make a bunch of resolutions they are just going to break anyway.  I guess this was original and clever once, like 20 years ago, now it is just annoying and it is not the reason I haven't done mine yet.   When I get around to making mine, my first resolve will be to stop procrastinating.  It is something I need to work on and I will get around to it someday.  I read on my niece Kristy's blog something about, to be a good blogger you need to post like once a month or something and although  that does ring true to me there has to be more to it than that because even if you post crap twice a day it is still crap.  Since I copied the idea to start my blog from Kristy to begin with when I get around to making my resolutions I think one will involve more frequent blogging.  Speaking of the word frequent, I have to pee a lot. (Did you see how I dropped that Segue? Boom!) My girth has a lot to do with this, for those of you reading my blog for the first time, I am gigantically fat.  Not as much as I was when I first blogged.  I have shed 30 pounds of ugly fat. Glory! Glory!  I feel a bit better and I really want that feeling to increase.  So one of my resolutions will  involve weight loss.  I think it is going to be a good year.  I just moved back in with my mom.  I like to just tell people that and then watch as they try to think of a tactful way to ask me if Wendy has finally wised up and kicked my butt out.  No and I pray every day that she doesn't.  I feel like Tim Tebow,  I mean nobody thought I was going to make it this far but here I am still with the woman of my dreams for going on something like 17 years. (As I was proof reading this I noticed I wrote 14 years and I am glad I caught that before I had Wendy look at this.{Good save! <3}) I brought her and the kids with me and it is a good situation for mom and the six of us.  I want to improve myself for all of them and a big part of this will be to become spiritually stronger and build my relationship with the Lord, so I want to include something about this when I set my New Year's Resolutions for 2012.  Speaking of this being 2012, if the Mayan calender is correct this year is going to be my last chance to get things right so I better get started.  Tune in next time to find out where you should NEVER take your wife for her special Birthday dinner....I  am so....out! 

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Whats up with you? I am a ridiculously poor decision maker ( and other crap that has been on my mind)

I just want to say thank you to everyone who reads my blog and apparently there are more of you than I thought because everyone seems to know that I am gigantically fat and how would they know that if they hadn't read my blog. So I want to say I appreciate all of you, the ones that read and leave comments, those who enter my Blog to laugh their butts off and then leave without a trace, the ones whose roommates follow my blog and  tell them all about it, also the ones who aren't really sure how to operate a computer but have their daughters read it to them over the phone,and all the rest of you.  There is nothing wrong with not being sure how to run a computer, I mean I barely know how. For example, I just read a rather entertaining blog from one of my nieces who compared herself to a breakfast quiche because she likes to wear nice boots and she is not as girly as the other omelets in her family, or something like that, anyway she said it way better than I just did and I wanted to comment but I could never figure out how and I would like to link to her blog from here, but, you know 747 right over my head.  So what I wanted to comment on her blog was that if I were a breakfast food I would be a sausage, bacon and ham breakfast burrito with jalapenos, mushrooms, tomatoes, low fat sour cream and gummy worms.  I say this because I am a horrendous decision maker so we just throw in all three major breakfast meats, I am Gigantically fat as you may or may not know, but I am trying to make healthy choices, thus the low fat sour cream and veggies, I am usually pretty tame but I do have my spicy side so there's the jalapenos and I seem at first glance to be predictable but then you find something that you like but you did not expect to be  in a breakfast burrito, like gummy worms.  That is me in a nutshell or more apropos in a tortilla.
       It is true I struggle mightily with even the most mundane of life's decisions.  It is because, to put it simply, when I am forced to choose one thing over any number of other possibilities I know that I will obsess over  those things that I didn't choose. They will haunt me like Beetlejuice, and they do.  My family, who I love very much, knows I am terrible at making my own decisions yet they still insist on asking me to make theirs for them. For example one of my daughters will ask me, "Dad, which of these two pairs of shoes should I wear with this outfit?" Yes, they ask me, besides the fact that I am a bad decision maker I have absolutely no concept of what color or style of shoes goes with any given outfit, just ask my niece Emily.  So through the years I have developed a technique for just such a predicament (my wife never falls for it anymore and my daughters are catching on but I still try).  I kind of lift up my arm so that 2 or three of the fingers from my outstretched hand are aimed in their general vicinity and I say, with very firm resolve, "That one."  Now, if everything goes according to plan they will raise one of the two shoes and say, "this one?", and I will quickly say that yes that is the perfect shoe to wear with that outfit because it is obviously the one that they wanted more anyway, and I have just guided them towards making their own decision, like a good father should. Like I said before they are all catching on to this method so I have developed a new tactic I just always pick the first one.   It has already been decided, if you ask me to choose between one or more options for you I will just choose the first one.  That takes a lot of the decision making pressure off me. 
         With all that being said, I have spent the past few days making some pretty rough decisions. I mean earth shattering, life altering, you can't just sort of wave your hand and say "that one," and hope they make the decision for you kind of decisions. Life can be hard, and at times it almost seems unfair. My son Big Mike  said something pretty profound while we were playing Hot wheels Track Attack on the Wii and I had just driven my car off a cliff and I was complaining that it wasn't fair that I had to start clear back at the beginning of the lap. His response was something to the effect of "It is fair because it is in the game."  I think that is true about life, everything happens for a reason and it is all fair because it is in the game. 
          Tune in next time to find out:  if I had to choose which fashionable pump to be, which designer label would I go with.......

Monday, September 5, 2011

What's up with you? It's hard to get good service at 2:00 AM. ( I should have just gone to Jack in The Box)

So, What's up with you,
 My wife and  I had just dropped my daughter off at the psychiatric  Hospital and we were looking for something to eat. There is a Sheri's nearby  and we hadn't been there for a while, also our choices were limited it being 2:00 AM and all so we went with that.  As we pulled into the parking lot the words of our little girl were still fresh in our minds. "My parents will be better off if I die, I mean they will be sad at first but they will get over it." Wow...right? What do you do with something like that? So anyway our heads were spinning but our tummies were a rumbling so we entered the romantic ambiance of Sheri's restaurant at 2:00 AM. As I sat down and began to search the menu my wife went into the bathroom.  I was lost in thoughts wondering how my baby girl cannot see how lachrymose I would be if she suddenly was not in my life anymore when I suddenly heard our waitress making lewd comments to the obviously inebriated gentleman in the booth behind mine which prompted him to brag about the ample size of parts. Not wanting to spend my meal time listening to that,  I grabbed my wife's purse met her at the restroom door and said "Let's go."  So where to next?  There is a Denny's between our house and here lets go there. So we were off  to Denny's with hopes that nobody there would be too gross. As the bright lights of Fairview avenue flashed by Wendy and I discussed the fact that our princess had been bragging to her little sister about all the sins she planned on committing so that she would go to hell like she deserved.  My wife voiced her worry that such a weight has been put on our little eleven year old girl. It is hard for the little sister when she has to be the mature one.  So we got to Denny's there were a few people there including a group of wild teenagers that had apparently just gotten in a big napkin fight.  The waitress seemed frazzled but nobody was talking about their junk so we felt safe.  The waitress was prompt in seating us in a booth (She did allude to being worried that I might be too fat for the booth but I ignored that and fit my self snugly but comfortably in) and quickly brought us water and took our orders.  Then we didn't see her again for like 35 minutes. I mean o.k. we did see her bringing the people that were seated after us, their food but she just ignored us for the most part.  I am not sure why. With time to reflect I sat and looked  at my butter knife and remembered my dismay at finding two of my camping knives in Abby's school book bag. I mentioned this to Wendy and we decided we should have the schools S.R.O. bring her into his office and tell her in no uncertain terms what the consequences would be if she were caught with a knife at school.  Then my wife said "This is ridiculous! We have been here forever and everyone has their food but us!" She was irate.  So she went to the bathroom again (Remember all we'd really been doing is drinking water at these restaurants.)  with a vow that if we did not have our food by the time she returned we were leaving. I really wanted my breakfast burger so I crossed my fingers and waited. Well she got back and still no vittles, so we were out of there. The haggard  waitress did apologise profusely as we stormed out but was unable to offer any explanation as to why we were so woefully neglected.  Well I know I was still hungry all I had had to eat after sitting down in two different diners was the tip of my right thumbnail and a corner a napkin. Not very satisfying at all.  So we decided to back track a little to the International House of  Pancakes.  When we arrived we were greeted by a very pleasant hostess who upon hearing that this was our third attempt at an after midnight meal promptly seated us took our orders and unbelievably after a short wait brought us our food.  Glory! Glory! As I lovingly watched My beautiful wife gleefully attack her stack of Carmel coated pancakes I thought back to a time about ten years ago when I was at the library with my daughter. We were in an aisle standing near a young lady who I did not know and Abby wrapped her arms around my leg and sweetly said "I love you daddy."  I remember hearing the stranger gush "How cute." I remember how sweet and innocent and happy that little four year old girl was. Then I thought I know that person is still there she is who Abby really is and she will win this battle with depression.  We love her so much and we tell her all the time how much we love her and how much Jesus loves her. As I thought this I felt good and I knew everything was going to  be cool.  Then at the same time as I was disgusted to bite into my burger and find it was still raw inside my wife gasped as she pulled a long black curly hair out from under the whipped cream on her pancakes. No, I am kidding the food was awesome. That was how I spent this morning. Tune in next time to find out why you should never go to The Perkins down town on a  Friday night.  I am so...out.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

So What's up with you? I am gigantically fat.

What is up with you,
I was  on my face book and noticed that my niece Kristy has started a blog and I wanted to be just like her so I started one too.  I wanted to start by telling a little about my self. So as the title of this post says I am fat. I mean almost 4 bills fat. I am 40 years old I wrestled for Meridian high and I used to be some what athletic but one day about 10 years ago I got really tired and sat down to rest for a while and never really got up again, unless it was to go  out to the car and drive to Carl's Jr. (hmmmm...Breakfast Burger).  I work at a school in Meridian and on the last day of school I noticed it was hard for me to walk more than 10 steps at a time without passing out and although I am in very poor shape I don't usually pass out.  So after a trip to the school nurse and then an ambulance trip to St. Luke's where I spent a nice afternoon having some fluids shot into me and other fluids sucked out of me I found out my heart was trippin, Straight trippin yo. so they gave me some meds which seemed to, with a stern but loving hand get my heart back on the right track.  I decided on that day June 8th 2011 I was done risking my health and I was going to change some things immediately.  So on the first Monday in August of that year I walked in to my first weight watchers meeting and with my shoes on and  my pockets filled with my cell phone, 3 dollars in change and my keys  I stepped on the scale and I tipped that mother at 3 hundred 91 lbs. (Give or take an oz.)  One week later with shoeless feet and empty pockets I stepped on that loathsome scale again and I had lost eight lbs. Glory! Glory! Now after one month I have taken off 20 pounds which is believe it or not five percent of my body weight. I t doesn't really show, but I haven't given up yet.  I know, I know you annoying positive thinkers out there are like "Oh Scott don't say yet, you can stick with your diet this time, I believe in you ." 
My response to that is "Shut up!" If you are saying that you are probably skinny, most positives are and you have never been to Jack in the box let alone gone there at two o'clock in the morning, ordered two tacos and a big cheeseburger, taken the bun off that luscious  piece of cheesy beef product, wrapped the two tacos around the burger replaced the bun and stuffed the delightful  amalgamation into you eager mouth. So you have no idea what it is like to be me! Positive self talk? Never really gone there. I know some of you are saying (Those of you that are, are probably skinny) " Whether you think you can or you can't you are correct."  Again I say Shut up!! (With two exclamation points that time.) I am living proof that you can have what amounts to zero belief in your own ability to accomplish a given task and still succeed. I f it weren't true I would still be working at McDonald's and living in my mom's house. So I guess what it all boils down to is even though I have absolutely no confidence that I will be able to use the Weight Watchers program to lose the massive amount of weight I need to lose I know I can do it. Tune in next time to read about my foray into Zoomba dance. I am so...out.